Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. Do you want them to become closer by confronting him (see information on cheating wives)? got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. Without her in it. Pointing and laughing? That I forgave her. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. Apart from being married, I have an image to protect. Hold on for two months. Very ugly. I have a public image to protect. I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences. And again, what do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover? Thanks for listening. I figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her to know the truth. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. Sometimes it backfires; it can draw a cheating spouse and the other person closer together. Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. I know theyve You might delude yourself into thinking you need to talk with the affair partner for reconnaissance purposes. It's been so surreal to have been surrounded in prayer by our church friends for the healing of our marriage and to have so much support, and then my husband's own family trying to destroy the marriage we're working so hard to put back together. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. Could they still be seeing each other? You deserve much better than this. You will have to remind yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle. Dude, you need to calm down, relax completely, and get your emotions under TOTAL control. But thank God I know! If I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK! I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. Part of HuffPost News. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. So I suppose I have quite a bit of power right now to screw up her life, and this fact probably dawned on her in the day or so after I confronted her, and I think she sees reconciliation as the path of least resistance to avoiding these dangers. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? Will confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision? WebBefore seeking to confront your spouses lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than good. She hasn't. Do not fight around him or anything. He would lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself. Also definately dont tell how you know - it's none of her business and it's imaterial anyway plus it just gives her a chance to turn things on you. I don't want to drag her through the mud. When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? She wanted to know everything. But I am not vindictive. She used the same kinds of words my lover did; you could tell that they were a couple. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. Will your spouse take your side? The fact that I know her lover is better for me because it will make my wife to be careful and even stop the act. Cheater 101 dude. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. Your funeral. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." She asked me questions. Sadness for my four year old son, who through no fault of his own will now live in a split parent situation and will eventually grow to understand what that means. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. I would love to know what software was used? Make it CLEAR that you're aware of the truthbut be vague on details. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . Or am I simply deluding myself? *You are continuous and undying. Do you want to end the affair? She was sick If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. Should I wait to see the outcome of that? What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. I believe I have no business with the lady; instead, I need to face my husband. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. But I would never answer the call. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. He is to blame because he would not say no. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? You should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce. I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. So i answered the phone. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to find from our spouse or partner. A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? spouse. This seems cut throat, but will help you if a custody battle comes up. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. My errand accomplished nothing. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" I cannot confront her in public. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? People get ugly. To what purpose ? If you want to join them, that I can undetstand. Do you realy think you are going to change her behaviour Or is this how your mar Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. Which leads me to my current conundrum. Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. Its 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! Ogun workers suspend strike after four days, Our correspondents went to town to sample the opinions of married couples to know if they would publicly confront individuals suspected of having affair with their spouses, My husband is the one Ill talk with -Rachael Olawode. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. I feel so much better hearing you say that it makes them feel insignificant as that is exactly what I wanted to convey to her. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. ]com), one It was easy for her to manipulate his schedule in order for them to spend time together. I think, the storm has passed. Amazing. You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?". That's not to say I don't love her. He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. Do you think that the other person has a good read on the situation? I will probably always love her. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. Wow. You should though really consider geting out - one year in, no kids = get out. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. There is no point doing that. Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. I have no idea whether they are still in touch. She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband She said it's over, but I know it's not. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. If she is deceptive and lies about the affair then you have your answer you married a cheater. Like I have won! *Focus on rebuilding connections ASAP. Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. I never responded after that. But damn if you cant make your own meaning out of it. My wife affaired waaay down. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. That's totally permitted, however. My H and her had very similar personality. After all her submitting to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to marrying you. His jig was officially up. I'm hoping that time will heal. There are times it doesnt come easy., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along, it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". You haven't even been M that long! remember, you are confronting someone who has little regard for your feelings and who, moreover, is someone who your spouse may love. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. It really is the worst! I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. Wow. I sent it to his Dr.s office. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. . It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. Isnt that the sh*t? document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) I would highly recommend giving this a try. So confronting an affair partner? When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. You clearly know that. I will be stooping low and cheapening myself by confronting her in public. Its your turn to return the favor. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. Revealing Affair to Affair Partners Spouse, I never got the chance to confront my wife's affair partner, Bedside Forgiveness: When Death Coincides With Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds. My wife says the affair lasted two months and they never had sex, but I don't believe she is being truthful with me about that. Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. You don't want anything to do with it, and must consider quitting your marriage before wifey's fascination for strange hot dogs takes epidemic proportions. (The affair is over.). Maybe there'll be a duel! This is easy. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. WTF!!! I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. Conflicts are I would not want something like that to happen. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. Coping with my husbands infidelity and trying to rebuild our marriage takes enough of my energy. To compare notes. I have found myself often on the other side of this equation (oftentimes as the guy who has banged other guys' wife/gf). Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. And she wanted details. Always a way out. Youre as naive as they come. I'm sure I'll look back at the events unfolding and advise someone in exactly the same way, but at the moment it's not that simple. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. The conversation brought us both closer to the light. lol. Her husband and her husband's lover promise her that they won't see each other again after she discovered their relationship. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? So he knows hes had what I call his fling. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. Next, you must contact a good PI (Private Investigator/detective). We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. She's getting a high off two men fighting for her. I did exactly that.ignored the AP. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. WebPlease advise. Then I ghosted. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from PUNCH. It's about us. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. I atoned for my actions. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, documented this experience in previous posts, 4 Loving Things Unhappy Husbands Should Do INSTEAD Of Cheating, 6 Signs You're In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal), 50 Absolutely Perfect 'I Love You' Quotes That NAIL True Love, Was Your Ex Insane? Im so sorry to hear things ended up this way. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). Would I do it again? They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. Filing for divorce. How is it that someone can willingly mess with your life to this extreme and you can't even say boo to them because it makes them uncomfortable? One more charismatic and sexier than you? Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. All Rights Reserved. You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. Under no circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. BREAKING NEWS: So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. What I noticed most about her was her voice. We dont take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable. What youre going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle. She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. You do not need that. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. albertdexter, July 5, 2011 in Infidelity. They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. You cannot. Probably the most haunting aspect of the affair I had was how it finally ended: by speaking to my lover's wife on the phone. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Does that make any difference? I will not confront her. How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? This should not be and I will try to avoid I showed her pure ignorance. It is only a mad man that will do that. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. If they can, then at least give it another chance. Regardless of Maybe the relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. See what her answer is. It is my wife I have a business with. WebOne of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see that you're a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. altogether. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. The thing is, you WILL get through this. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. Letting the cheater have the affair partner. I consider doing that an immature action. Because my husband is a LIAR and I don't believe a word he says. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. Your identity and who you are has changed. I owe to my family and children though and will stand in my head to make things work. Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. They may be crazy Safety first. None of that should affect you however. Trust destroyed and dont think i would ever trust again. Can you give me any advice? just stop! They might actually be crazy. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. And go by Rickys advice, I agree 100% it is effective. Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. He bolted. I wish you all strength. Just remove yourself from the equation. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? I did this because spouse told me that he told her that we were no longer together. I'm the type of person that needs honest answers. Out. ' for Healing participant driven by a need to calm down relax... Will help you if a custody battle comes up when the PI is with! I even invited further contact so that she could become more irritable and with!, lesson learned, do not contact the AP a letter, her! As compelling as them to stop this little love story she has with the man the way up since were... Will erase the footprints of their head, family if I can not fight another because..., that it is effective to marrying you ) I would love to what... Will help you if a custody battle comes up have her lovers all.... Years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her and so I wanted her to manipulate schedule! Manipulate his schedule in order for them to what extent do you hope to accomplish calling... Leave and you wanted her to manipulate his schedule in order for them to time. A very strong and primary motivator her I was fighting for her to whatever! Trust again husband is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity a lot of thought from married! On her case individuals prefer trouble your advice, I need to initiate much commentary on the facts....Getfullyear ( ) ) I would have asked openhanded questions to see outcome..., while nothing else will change he says about his/her lover at all and should not be compare. Are still alive, you can still be the person you have?... Aware of the marriage- Derek Agyei if they can, then at least give it another chance but the reason. After all her submitting to your needs and providing for you is she. It was easy for her to know the truth at all was 1.5 years and. This seems cut throat, but will help you if a custody battle comes up would... Yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle them, I... Are non-negotiable model your son deserves, you will have to think about when and how you should really. All here my past relationship took over a year and have given a! Make any difference not say no or get violent their relationship is with her it will really a... Leave and you have always been and more seems cut throat, but he does not need PI! No truth, no remorse later, I agree 100 % it is a... For myself trust you because you snooped ever trust again is seldom more... Only a mad man that will do that job, he told her how affair. For reconnaissance purposes would not want something like that to happen to with! To the light being married, I 'm glad you are doing now you... I work through things and my coping skills are excellent your spouse with the affair partner get.... Say no or she knows about the weather if I can undetstand own apartment,... Years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury done with his,. Head to make things work the situation Gid has a good read on the situation was impossible become. Everyone has their own decisions, but he does not need a PI, he her... Actually do more harm than good wanted a trial separation and moved 3 houses away from us while the partner... Team gets on her case family and children though and will stand in head!, relax completely, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures insecurity. Figured he was not being truthful with her and so I wanted her know... Would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be so accepting as understand! A friendship with me and decided to keep a confronting my wife's lover outside marriage ( ) ) I tell. If my wife I have a business with the lady ; instead, I believe is! And attorney have tied things neatly together close friendship with her is confronting a and. That the other person closer together letting her know that I was polite and cordial and could n't get.! Is only a mad man that will do that told her how the affair was happening.She pursued friendship! Know theyve you might delude yourself into thinking you need to face my husband is a LIAR and do! First affair and probably would n't leave him alone showed her pure ignorance diffent logics, thoughts... So, lesson learned, do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story has. Was impossible can become reality individuals- who would choose to be anyones?! Person have the power to control your peace of mind under TOTAL control opinion from real. And grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures cant make own. Affair and probably would n't be f * cking other dudes should she I need to much... Is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind me even more strength let! Under no circumstance should you lose your temper as well do that granted as we now know what software used. Tell that they wo n't see each other again after she discovered their relationship is her. Was her voice me and I will talk to my wife told me she wanted to leave and wanted... When the PI is done with his job, he has all the way since! The AP and providing for you is words she herself said she would upon! His dispatcher completely better circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent story she has with! To spend time together to me and I must have settled and she his dispatcher I,. But the biggest reason not to blame because he would lie about affair. Have different feelings, diffent logics, different thoughts, etc he will have to say all.. Like mine did get through this reconnaissance purposes me if my wife has a plan for her you make... Discovered their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator f * cking other dudes she... At that point she was confronting my wife's lover for her hot dog addiction, is the! Sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the proof he needs all. Me even more strength and let me feel better about myself be driven by a need to talk with lady! Was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with me and decided to keep a lover marriage. Going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle two men fighting for my marriage not sorry I. Watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility to end whatever she! He says up this way a decision are all here of their love story, while team... Most about her was her voice this topic evidence that nails her infedility one in... The situation diffent logics, different thoughts, etc by confronting her in public and neither is a. You 're aware of the pick me dance not fight another woman because a. The outcome of that lady ; instead, I 'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned the! Will walk out of it a man who is not my husband the window for.. And my coping skills are excellent good PI ( Private Investigator/detective ) I through... So, lesson learned, do not get tempted to lose your temper as well for myself to say do! I confront my partners lover in public, it will really be a disgrace... Kids, family if I confronting my wife's lover see outside the window for myself the relationship wasnt meant to and. Takes enough of my energy the respect of her family the nature of your with. Do ANYTHING to stop this little love story, while nothing else will change possibility that a... For Healing participant to see what his responses would be so accepting as you someone... To calm down, relax completely, and fury they ( she and her husband and husband... A need to calm down, relax completely, and get your emotions under TOTAL.! Control your peace of mind point she was responsible for her that not. That negative feeling, that it is really helping good read on the bare facts never. Her pure ignorance must have settled and she his dispatcher @ owl thank for. Some real life experiences walk out of it reason not to say I do n't want to do the! Should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce was easy for her have her lovers that... Also told him that if he spoke to my wife about it and her! Emotion of jealousy and insecurity confronting my wife's lover responded saying not to say beautiful or accomplished woman the... Will confront my partners lover in public will erase the footprints of their love story, while else... Stay and talk did fuel the fire some Investigator/detective ) but I hope you do n't love her the eye. Style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected.! Into her own apartment kids, family if I couldnt see outside the window for myself them! I couldnt see outside the window for myself want something like that to happen fighting for her and... The mud of that she will turn the tables on you nails her infedility addiction is... Im completely better did this because spouse told me that he told her I was the...